Nothing Beats SkyMall

The SkyMall catalog is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.


It's just page after page of treasures.





"Hand-dipped in 24K gold, these roses last forever!"
$799.99


What's weird is that my Nana who is 85 years old owns these roses. Clearly, it delivers elegance in your home that is unmatched.


I hope my boyfriend skips on the diamond tennis bracelet and splurges on these babies for my birthday this year.











"High-performance running sandal"
$79.99




If you were thinking to yourself "there is nothing uglier than a pair of 1994 Granola Teva's" - well you were wrong my friend.


I can't wait to go to the gym with these bad boys. There are sure to create a jealousy frenzy when I am on the treadmill.







"Make every bedroom window an instant fire escape!"
$119.99


I actually used to have one of these that my dad forced me to keep by my bedroom window.


Ironically, I spent my highschool life using it to sneak out of the house.


Thanks for thinking about my safety dad.










"The Indoor Dog Restroom"
$149.95


Perfect. So instead of training my dog to go to the bathroom outside, I can instead scrub his smelly shit off of the fake grass pad and into my sink/tub.


Sounds awesome.









"The Pet's Observation Porthole"
$29.95


Also known as: Mock your pet.


A. how many times is this dog going to slam its face into the bubble because he think he can get through?


B. why would this dog want to watch people have fun on the other side of the fence when he can't go over there.


C. your neighbors might think this is sliiiightly creepy.











"Detox Foot Patches"
$39.99




"Precise formulation of natural ingredients in the patch has an amazing overnight ability to draw toxins right through your skin"


Basically, you wake up and what looks like
baby diarrhea is on the patch and apparently came out of your body. Sweet.

"T-Rex Dinosaur Trophy" Wall Sculpture
$89.99


I'm sure your wife would let you put this over the fireplace. No prob.

I bet it wont' even scare the shit out of kids.















"Embossed Denim Jackets"
$69.98


"Rugged, handsome button-front jackets featuring a perfectly-detailed regal guitar or bald eagle embossed across the back!"


The greatest treasure of them all. Enough said.

I Wanna Know Where the Gold At.

I am without a doubt, 100% Pro-Crack Use.


Screw Rehab - Let these crackheads hit the pipe in peace and provide us all with hours and hours of entertainment.

For instance:

Some of my favorite musicians are smokin the dope.

Without crackheads......there would be no mythical irish midgets climbing trees in Alabama:







#1. "it's a crackheaaaaad. A crackhead that got ahold of the wrong stuff"

#2 "This is a special Leprechaun flute passed down thousands of years ago from my great great grandfather who is irish"

#3 "I wanna know where the gold at"





Amazing. What's weird is that the leprechaun does not shock me. the only thing that shocks me is that that guy's great grandfather was actually Irish.






DOPE SICK LOVE


Speaking of Gold. Please watch this clip in its entirety because it is PURE GOLD.

CLICK HERE IMMEDIATELY



#1 Sweep the leg. No mercy.

#2 Nothing stings more than a Mcdonalds #1 Supersized getting thrown at you.

#3 Is it just me or is the name "Sebastian" amazing in this clip.

Dear Crackhead,

You are a bucket of sunshine. Thank you for shooting me that toothless crazy grin from across the street. I'm sorry I don't speak "Crackhead" but something tells me that as you arch your back and stick out your bloated belly you're somehow communicating to me that we're friends.

I love you crackhead. Thanks for the laughs and for the good times.

Love,

Midge

Tall Guys who date Short Broads.

I am a midget. I am a midget who very proudly dates and is currently dating a very tall man. Yes, sometimes its slightly creepy when people mistake me for his daughter. But there are some really sweet perks - like him carrying me around in his pocket.

I recently came across this hater blog online:

Dear Tall Guys Who Appear To Only Date Girls Who Are Very Short,

I alluded to your type before. I know you’re out there. I’ve seen you around. You’re 6′4″ and your girlfriend is 5′2″. She comes up to about your wrist.
And it makes me fucking crazy. Not only do I seethe with jealousy because you’re soooo in love, but I am filled with rage to see the height differential. Again. Again!
I realize that you can’t just like, custom-order the perfect person. Alright, you sort of can with like a mail-order bride and shit, but still. Unless you’re taking Russian classes Saturday mornings at your local community college, how good of a match was it, really? Anyway, sometimes you can just fall in love, regardless of height considerations. I can understand that. But I am unable to do it. Height is my critical must-have requirement. Everything else is reasonably more negotiable.
I would ask though, to consider the tall girls before making your final decision. My beef isn’t with your girlfriend, it’s with you. You know, there are plenty of us to choose from. A lot of us are sick of wearing flats and kicking off our shoes to take pictures with our current boyfriends because we look silly to tower over them. Not all of us play for the WNBA, you know. I’m like 5′10″ barefoot, so how the fuck am I supposed to look like a lady next to a dude who is 5′7″?
What about being able to reach things, huh? Putting up curtains? You can actually get help from a tall girl. Hey, can your stupid 5′2″ girlfriend get to the cabinet over the fridge? I bet not. I bet she has to get a chair. And then she’s got to get you to get the cake pans, because she still can’t reach, right?
I hope you’re happy reaching for the cake pans, buddy. Me and the tall girls are going to put up some motherfucking curtains without you.

My response:

Dear Amazon Lady,

Cry me a river of tears gypsy. My tall boyfriend does not want to hang out with your beastly self. You don't look like a lady. Ever.

And putting up curtains? The only curtains you should be concerned about are your roast beef ones. Because You. Are. Terrible.

And yes McGiant, I do have to get a chair to reach the tall cabinet but at least my boyfriend and I don't share the same shoe size and I can't beat him in an arm wrestling match. Oh and P.S. Who even fucking bakes and needs cake pans anyway?