American Apparel

Don't get me wrong. I shop american apparel for your basics just like anyone else. But after perusing the website today I came across the following items and just wanted to throw in my two cents.

The Mary Lou Retton

There is absolutley no reason you should be wearing this body suit unless you can do a triple axel double flip somersault split on a balance beam.

The FUPA pants

There is no reason a girl this skinny should have a fupa in a pair of high waisted bright blue skinny jeans. I would rather have acid thrown into my eyes than watch a woman of generous porportions wear these.

The "Scrimmage" Shirt

This shirt is called the Scrimmage Shirt. Clearly if this individual wore this shirt to oh lets just say a Football game - something tells me Johnny Macho is going to tackle him until his cropped shirt is suffocating his gay face.

The Fanny

Let's just say my mom goes into american apparel and picks this puppy up as a treat to herself. Suddenly the AA fanny is not so hipster and not so cool when Mama Sue is rockin this thing over her floor length denim dress with flower applique.

The AC Hooker

I bet a girl, a really elegant girl, named Cherry, owns these outfits and is keeping American Apparel Stocked with them. She's the classiest and luckiest girl in Atlantic City.

The "You can see my Vagina"


Honestly I don't know a time when I don't want to spend the day with people seeing my pepperoni nips and roast beef vajay through my outfit.

The L Train is the Hell Train

Oh L Train you're the best. And by best I actually mean the worst. The. Worst. Ever.

This is your story.

Waiting for the Train

The L Train is special because it has this great little "time board" that informs you when the next train is scheduled to arrive.

The problem is....Either it doesn't work, there are 5 million people sardined on the train and you can't get on anyway or it actually (yes actually) gives you this information:



Please explain to me why I can go to Long Island faster than going from Union Square to 1st Ave.











And the weekends? Good Lawddd. Usually there is yellow police tape covering the entrance. Your first thought is - "A Crime has occurred". Well, my friend, a crime has occurred. A crime of transportation retardation.

The People

Where do I begin. Every time this GD train comes the train is packed. So packed in fact, that 99% of time you cannot get on.

But if you are one of the lucky ones that is small enough or strong enough to push your way in - you are faced with the following situations:

Smelly mexi's who don't believe in soap. Dirty creepsters who rub their peen against your leg. Crazy Chola princesses who refuse to move their arm so you can hold onto the pole. Oh and the Hipster. Where do I begin with the Hipster?



Dear Hipster,
Please stop judging me on the 8:30am train when I am in my corporate wear on my way to work. Yes, I work 9 to 5. Yes, I am mainstream. Yes, I am wearing J Crew. Deal with it.

Dear Hipster,
Please stop taunting me with your ironic t-shirt. And no, you do not need to wear a scarf and tight skinny jeans when it is 93 degrees outside. Let your pasty legs breathe and put on some shorts. But not the 70's runner shorts with tall white socks with stripes straight from American Apparel. Put on something that I cannot see your sausage and meatballs in.

Dear Hipster,
Please do not shove your guitar/bag of books/Paint brushes in my head when boarding the train. You suck.

Thank you,
Midge

Wedding Websites

So, my friend calls me the other day and tells me to go to a mutual friends "wedding website". Ummmm yeah..... you guessed it, it was a website that they dedicated to themselves and their wedding.

Clearly there is nothing better going on in my life than to read about the following subjects:
"How we met"
"The Ring"
"The Proposal"
"Everybody and their mother who is in the wedding"
"The Church"
"The Reception"

and Lucky me..along with every detailed paragraph describing their love for one another...there are pictures...lots of GD pictures.

I'm pretty sure anyone looking at this website a.) knows who you are and has heard the sappy wedding torture for the last 8 months and b.) does not need to look at 75 of the same picture with different backgrounds.

Oh. We get it.

After my retinas burning from the sicko love and happiness glowing off of my computer screen, I had a change of heart and realized that someday I could potentially have a Wedding Website of my own.

Clearly it would look more like this:

"How We Met"


"The Ring"


"The Proposal"


"The Wedding Party"


"The Reception"



Oh and I'll be registered at Gucci. See ya then bitches!

Things that Annoy Me

Whoever invented the "clear" bra strap is just retarded. Right. Like I'm not going to noticed a shiny plastic strap clinging to your arm. If you don't want your bra strap to show. Wear a strapless. If you have creepo big boobs and can't wear a strapless then you shouldn't be wearing some skanko tube top anyway.


People that wear their backpacks on the train: what.the.hell. One false move as I'm standing behind you and BAM I have a concussion. Stop being a tool and just take your bag off before you get on the train.



The general rule is that if you are a grandfather and/or take some sort of arthritis/prostate/osteoporosis medication - you should not be at a bar. Period.



Me: If you are meeting me for the first time and find it necessary to come up with something witty to say about my height such as "wow, do you know how short you are?" - kill yourself. I wasn't 6'2 yesterday and suddenly woke up inside of a midget body. Douchebag.

Babies: where do I begin?
Babies on leashes. babies at baseball games. babies at the bar. babies that look like aliens. There is just too much - I'll explore this at another time.